Yeah, there’s a decimal in the number of months. And yes, it’s accurate. :P
Well it’s been a long time since I actually wrote anything useful about my transition and for that I am sorry. I believe the last thing I talked about was how not much was going on with my transition… and it continues to be that way despite my desire to progress. Time hasn’t been very plentiful now that I’m working 40 hours a week.
Despite all that, as I continue to take my HRT my body keeps changing and it’s about time for a post on the subject. I was inspired to write this because of a post made by acrosstheborderofmyheart (you should follow her too cause her blog is awesome) I also have a second part to this in the works about my sex drive and whatnot. I didn’t want to talk about it here because its going to be somewhat graphic…
There are so many changes to talk about that I’m not even sure where to begin… so I’ll go the logical route and start with the top of my head and work my way down.
- Hair: I’m not entirely sure when I noticed, probably earlier on in transition, but there is way less oil in my hair and my hair just seems a bit more feminine to me now. I feel like the overall look and texture of it is different.
- Skin: Well, technically there’s skin under my hair, so that comes next! This was also primarily a change from early on: My skin has gotten softer and less oily, acne has completely cleared up, and I have way more freckles than I used to.
- Face: To be honest, I don’t really see all that much of a change in my face, but friends have told me it has. If my followers want… I could post the 2 pictures I have that are the closest to being the same angle and you can tell me, but it’s hard to tell looking at my own face.
- Facial Hair: This definitely started later on, probably closer to a year, but it definitely grows a lot slower now and some of the hair seems to have gotten lighter in color.
- Shoulders/Arms: I’m not sure when I noticed the changes here either because all of a sudden one day I just noticed that my arms didn’t look as manly. This was definitely the better part of a year in though. I always stayed away from tank tops and other clothes that don’t have sleeves, but I’m not afraid of them anymore. My shoulders aren’t the most feminine things in the world still, but I feel okay wearing tank tops now.
- Muscle: I’ve lost a lot. Particularly the muscle in my arms and shoulders which is what accounts for the more feminine appearance. When I say I’ve lost a lot, I mean, there are things that I used to be able to carry/move that I no longer can on my own. When I moved into my apartment (pre-transition) I didn’t have much of a problem, but when I moved out (about 7 months on HRT) it was much more difficult.
- Breasts: At this point, I’m still hardly a AA and hopefully that changes. They’ve been growing since a month or so on HRT. They aren’t really sore anymore like they were when I was noticing growth, so either its slowed down a lot or stopped…
- Body Fat: Well, I don’t have much fat to begin with, so I haven’t really noticed anything here. However, very recently I noticed I’ve gained some weight. It’s mostly on my stomach (though a bit of that may also be my boobs). Weight gain is pretty unusual for me as I have a very high metabolism. Whenever I managed to gain a pound or two in the past, they’d be gone before I knew what happened. I think my metabolism might be slowing down a bit finally (either a result of age or HRT, not sure) so maybe I’ll have some body fat finally that could eventually be moved to my hips/butt. Before HRT I weighed 112 lbs, now I weigh about 120.
- Body Hair: Another change noticed from around a year in. There doesn’t seem to be as much of it these days, but there’s still plenty there. I’m not sure if there’s less of it or if it’s just thinner, but there seems to be some change.
This is the part where things become a bit more difficult to describe. It’s been a while so it’s harder to remember what things were like before. The way I feel now is just normal to me at this point. I mean, I feel as if this is how thing’s were always supposed to be. Before transition I was a mess… My emotions made no sense to me. I could never recall how something made me feel unless I was in the moment and even then I don’t think I was ever really processing my emotions. I would never share or let others know what I was feeling, I kept everything bottled up and kept to myself. As an adult, I could never cry in front of anyone.
Now… It’s like my emotions are switched on and in high gear and my body is willing to accept any and all of them. I can cry at the drop of a hat lol. This is something that progressed a bit over time and became very apparent around 8 months in when I had some trouble with my relationship with my girlfriend, lost my job, and then had a lot of trouble with someone who was a very good friend. After all that: Anxiety and panic attacks. Anxiety is still a problem for me, but I think I’ve learned to handle it a bit better now.
It’s strange when I think back on past events in my life that should have been filled with anxiety… I realized, I had never felt this before. I know I’ve been anxious about things in the past. I can name at least 2 very stressful moments in my life where I would have described myself as being anxious, and yet… I didn’t know this feeling. It was that feeling of being so totally overwhelmed. Frankly, I could do without this one… anxiety is one of the worst things in the world and a full blown panic attack probably feels worse than having your hand chopped off. (Ironically I think I would have a panic attack if my hand was chopped off)
That sounds pretty bad, but in general… I feel so amazing. I feel like I’m at home in my head when I never have been before. I feel more at ease and comfortable with myself. I have way more confidence. I’m more social, I’m happier, I’m more me. I still have my moments where I hate myself, but I think everyone does.
Anyways, I’ve written a lot… If I left anything out that you want to know about, or if you want to know more about anything I wrote, feel free to ask. I am an open book. You can even ask me anonymously if you like :P